Lost and Found.

Where should I begin?

So many questions, but I can't ask why. Maybe this is part of life.

Values and beliefs that I used to hold, are no longer belong to my mind. Maybe this is the time, that I am taking a step forward, to leave the past that belongs to the past. '

Doubts on friends? Humanity? Or the way that works in this society today's world? I am glad for being able to feel how I feel now, because this uncomfortable feeling will be the indication of growth to me.

Dear December, you are now here with me, reminds me of 2013 is coming to an end soon.
This year, I experienced a fruitful journey with ups and downs. I wouldn't say it's a tough one after all, but it will definitely be an unforgettable one that I struggled through.
I turned 23.
I completed my study in uni.
I took goodbye as breathing.
I forced myself to try.
I got my first part time job in Sydney.
I finally got the chance to work in a breadshop ( I never forget how I wish I could work in bakery shop when I was in high school - dream occupation was bakery shop assistant :)
I took the risk and learnt how to go with the flow.
I broke up with a guy when I thought we were safe.
I lost my trust and passion in life.
I tried to get drunk but I couldn't.
I had the urge to become rebellious but I love my mom.
I learnt the importance of loving life and self.
I pondered upon future and meaning in life.
I learnt to feel comfortable with my fear.
I learnt the importance of having good health.
I got my residence visa.
I became more flexible.
I knew things always have two sides and human does have a choice.

I never imagine, I would still feel that there are many more things to know, to learn when I am already 23 years old. When I was a kid, I always think that I will be a very mature person when I reach 23.

People that I cared, became people that I fear, and slowly transformed to nothing but a person that I need to / trying to avoid and I just couldn't help. I have no idea how this transformation could happen, but the good part is I am actually ready to embrace this change and taking it as a motivation for me to make a move.

Things that I thought I understand, that I thought I've seen through, have actually became vague. Looking back to a message that I sent to one of my friend who was in his depressing period back in few years ago, I wondered where did my positive energy gone? When did I lost them that I can't even recognize myself sometimes. The feeling of unwanted keep haunting me that I lose my strength to fight it over. No longer believe in friendship that I thought it could be not more than anything that involves benefits but just pure friendship. No longer believe that people with kind heart doing great things and they are not asking for anything in return. No longer trust anyone who seemed to be reliable. No longer have the faith that someone will be there for me whenever I need. No longer being able to imagine a picture of love in my mind. I couldn't understand why did I lost it, and wonder if I ever own it before? Maybe not, never before. But what we had were so true?

The world is changing every second, but how did I actually do that to myself?

Where are you?

Dear Vivian, I know it has been tough for the past few months. You did well in adapting to changes, learning how to say goodbye, trying hard to embrace the cruel part in humanity and ugly side of truth, making your move to find back your beliefs and energy, coping hard with the negative emotions and feelings that arose from the unknown for tomorrow,  finding ways to be a better, stronger and happier person who know how to appreciate every present moment.

You must stay strong. Hang in there and don't ever let giving up become an option to you, no matter how bad the situation would be, how pain you feel inside, how much fear that might overtake your strength, or how isolated you feel with the whole world. It's okay to be in the dark when the sun goes down. You just need to look up to the sky and see how're the stars shining bright.

This too shall past. All would just be temporary and there's nothing to be claimed as real.

Till then, no matter how you lose your faith,  I always know, you still want to be a good person, the better you. Everyday is a new chance, every breathe is a perfect bliss. Never take this for granted and you will soon find your way.

I wish you all the best. May you enjoy the last bit of 2013 before it's too late.

With love.