Sunday Entry

Background Music: More Than This by One Direction

Time: 5.25pm

Weather: Sunny, Winter, 15 Celcius Degree

Sunday

20/July.

That morning, four of us had brunch together at this place called 'Two Five'. It was a very lovely morning, except the crazy low temperature that slightly affected my mood.

We talked about things and feelings. We managed to break the ice. The more I observed, the more I feel that things / behaviors that some others did in front of us, maybe it was hard to be understood at first. But they did it with a reason, with a good intention behind. Just because our methods and the way we take things are different. 

Opened up brought us closer to each other. How close? I'm not too sure. Perhaps a step closer than previous. But it gave you some insights or ideas that you might not came across before. It was a good conversation. I get to know the person more, in a better way.

For the past two days, I could see that I get annoyed easily for harsh word spoken by someone here. I tried to suppress my unpleasant feelings. I tried to not feel annoyed by things she said. I wasn't sure of the reason I get annoyed. Feelings aroused too quickly that I couldn't able to label it well. Angry? Annoyed? hmm~ Maybe I just need a break from her haha because I don't feel like getting myself in a field with too much negativity. It will drag me down. 

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Happy thing today: 

I went to monastery for scripture class again. Today I taught them the Buddhist Flag. At first it sounded like a very boring topic to me HAHA. But oh, I think I had fun. Despite kids today were quite noisy in the class, not sure is it because they just came back from holiday o.O situation was a bit chaotic. There were good students who really paying attention in the class too. Kids are just too adorable! One simple smile, one simple thing said, one simple thought, kids are just simple and easy. I started to fall in love with time spent in class. I started to love teaching kids more and more. But I'm not sure why am I keep pushing it away actually? Hmm~ I am such a contradicting person. 

I taught a class of 10-12. But I am a student who learn from all the lovely kids in class too. They gave me this incredible experience of speaking in front of the class, teach them about how to be a good person, at the same time, remind myself about the principle in life too. In this polluted world, I think unavoidably I had doubts on the issue of 'being a good person' sometimes. But telling kids how to be a good person has amazingly inspired me in someway. From the way they spoke, things that they said, it made me feel the world could actually be simple and beautiful. It's our mind. Adult's mind, who thought they know everything, as if they know what they are doing. Do we?

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The other day, a friend talked to me about equanimity. 

Equanimity = unshakable balance in mind.

Dhamma is fun, deep, inspiring and hopeful. 

He said he treated all his friends equally and sincerely, there is no hierarchy of friendship in his world.

Hierarchy of friendship. You know, like that kind of billboard where you have a picture of which of your friends are in which category. Best friend, close friend, hi-bye friend, moderate close friend etc. HAHA! Or is this just a girl's thing? and this is how they define female is complicated? Whoops. He said he wouldn't differentiate his friends in this way. All friends are in same level to him and there is no such thing as hierarchy/group/category in his definition of friends. Why? Because just to be fair, and who we are to differentiate them? 

Hmm. I find it true and I do agree. But of course there are some friends that I would really like to appreciate them more, not without reason. It could be due to time that we spent together were more compared to some others, it could be due to experiences that we had which brought us closer than others, it could be just fate. Sometimes you just find it easier to click with certain people that you just knew for not long, and you feel that she/he is just like a long-lost friend. 

to be continued....

HEHE it's time to get ready for dinner with friends. Babye blog.

FAT, the never ending akumu.

I have been living a life that is strongly associated with keywords like 'weight-loss', 'need to be thinner', 'skip meal', 'exercise', 'slimming' for 10 years. Throughout this period, there was time where I managed to drop my weight to 40kg where I felt vulnerably weak and fainted when I did my workout. Of course, there was time where I gained back the weight and doubled it up. When I look back, the feeling is terrible, if not, miserable.

I have tried different ways to achieve my objective of getting slim. Food intake restriction, being extra cautious with food calories, different sets of workouts, meal replacement plans where the milkshakes tasted okay but imagine having it for two meals out of three every single day, the smell oh gosh. Merely thinking of it could make me feel like throwing up. Plus it is liquid form some more, nothing to chew in two meals of the day :( Working out was okay in the beginning as I picked dancing which is my favourite, and walked up and down the stairs. It wasn't that awful not until I started to over-exercise and cut down my food intake too much. It changed my perception towards exercise, where exercise no longer = sweating nor fun, but it's a chore. A chore that I need to do every single day or I would just need to drown myself in the world of guilt, as if I have committed crime T___T

With extreme exercise + little food intake, this stupid plan eventually affecting my body adversely. I couldn't remember if I had a healthy stomach before, but I knew this plan has got me into gastric and poor digestive system. Since then, I got gastric easily. Everyone around me started to take me as 'the diet girl' or 'the girl who eat like a bird', which was not what I intended to lead myself into. This has indirectly pressured me a lot, where I started to feel guilty when I thought I eat a lot during meals with friends or people. Those who care about me constantly ask me to eat more, don't starve myself.

I couldn't get a balance in that. Then, I decided to just stop exercising because it was really stressful where every single time if I missed my workout, I felt so guilty as if I had killed someone o.O
Once I stopped working out, I had a mixed of feelings. It was a mixture of guilty + feeling lazy + feeling free + fat is coming back. No exercise? I thought okay, no problem, just go for Plan B -> skip my meals. =.=


Slowly, all these have become my lifestyle that I didn't even realize. Imagine waking up every morning first thing come to your mind is 'how to skip meal today?" "which meal should I skip?" "Can I make sure I skip my dinner if I take a sumptuous breakfast today?''  'Do I need to exercise today?' "which diet plan should i go for today?' 'Can I skip exercise and skip meal?'

All these thoughts just drive me crazy. An unhealthy relationship is taking place between me and food, between me myself and eating.

Then, I started to live by myself when I entered college. Living by myself = too much freedom on meals.. I never thought I couldn't cope with staying alone away from home since I have already get used to this during my high school period. I never recognize the fact that I couldn't handle my emotions, my feelings and thoughts. When negative feelings or problems came to me, I ate. I ate not because of I felt hungry, but I felt eating could help in relieving my emotions, where it was a moment that I could be away from my emotions, my problems. I escaped, but I didn't realize at all. Not at all, until this year hahaha because the same problem never stop occurring since college year until uni, until I finish uni. Emm Hmm~

Emotional eating has became part of my life. Whenever I feel homesick, I eat. Lonely? I eat. Stress? Eat. At least it helps in temporary relieving my unpleasant feelings. But what even worse is the guilty feeling after I eat. I am stuck with this issue of emotional eating, binge eating. I know. I know what is happening but it is out of control. That's what separate a person who has emotional eating problem from a normal person.

So basically I just live a life with a ridiculous cycle:
Adopt a diet plan --> feel like giving up because it is not sustainable --> doubt --> quit dieting --> stress and depress --> binge eating --> feeling guilty and worthless --> get back to diet plan again --> cycle repeat by itself, never ending.

Oh my god! What kind of life that I am having? What choices have I made? Why do I do this to myself?

Today, I decide that I don't wanna live that kind of life, anymore. I am so sick of this seriously.

Can I just free myself from what I perceive as social expectations and social perceptions?
Can I just relax and stay calm?
Can I just have a normal life like what others are having?
Can I rebuild my relationship with food? a healthy one please?

Actually I am not too sure HAHA. well, I guess the first thing is to accept. Sounds easy? Not at all.
To me, acceptance is acknowledging the state of where I am in at this moment, without positive or negative judgment. It is to sit in with the situation arises that brings me different sorts of emotions.

Note to self:
1) To accept myself for who I am.
2) Be kind and patient to myself.
3) Be mindful. Label the emotions and feelings. Acknowledge its existence and watch it.
4) It is not the end of world if I am fat. HAHAHA

Hmm. I personally think that having a thin body with sick mind is worse than having a fat body with healthy mind and happy heart. It doesn't mean that I can be as fat as I can. hahaha BUT hey, life is supposed to be short, precious and fun.

I wish you to be happy and enjoy doing things that you are doing :D

Sunset

It is a terrible feeling that I have experienced for more than once.

The feeling of being ignored, regardless of whether you are/ are not aware of the reason behind.

Recently, I have done something that can be considered as ethically wrong towards a friend.

I always try to keep my promise, because I think there is no point of making a promise when you can’t even commit yourself to that. But sometimes, there are situations where things you said are not compatible with things you do. I really dislike this. Sarcastically, I did it and I put myself in ugly situation. It is whether to make a choice that is good for myself by breaking my promise, or fulfill my promise but doing things with doubts playing in mind.

And then there is this moment of dilemma. It really depends of how strong is the sense of guilt that can make you to either fulfill your promise or being selfish.

This time, I made a selfish choice. Yes I did.

Breaking my promise, anticipating the troubles that I have caused to my friend from this, risking trust that my friend had on me, a stupid decision indeed. But there is no one to blame, except the reason that I don’t know what I want. I acted impulsively in the first place by asking for her help in this matter. It then developed into situation where I just so happened to be listening to others’ comments and feedbacks, got influenced, and then I told her, I changed my mind.

A complicated feeling indeed. The moment when I felt really sorry about my action and decision yet  I still do it; the moment of being ignored when I constantly checked my phone eagerly waiting for just a word from her, the world of disappointment and numbness that swirling around me when I was trying so hard to wait for it to happen but it just never did; the moment of silence between us that brought us apart this morning. This is the first time that I wish the road taken could be shorter. I saw it happened, but I could not speak a single word. I am not sure if this is only me, or this is exactly what happening between us.

I tried to get myself surrounded by people, be it some strangers, colleagues, distance friends etc just to get my thoughts out of this matter. This is an action of escaping. ‘Escape’ is a familiar word that I used to hate it so much because DN always tell me about how he used to escape things until the very critical moment where he was forced to face it. I remember vividly how I told him not to escape from things without knowing I am actually good with this too.  There is this urge where I just feel like taking a break from things that I know, people that I thought I know well to certain level, things that I am doing and place where I am now. Thoughts in mind have been pretty heavy lately. I am falling slowly, but I wish I could fall in deeper, into a place where there is no sound, no one there, nothing and dark but I could still see the sunlight. A place with no timeline where I can listen to this heartbeat, the sound in my head and my heart. Pause. I wish I could pause the time, but not I’m the only one who pause and think.

Adults are forgetful as they grow older. But our heart are getting smaller than we used to be when we were kids. We used to forgive quickly, take things easily and giving happiness a larger slice of pie with every breath we took.  To a point where we started to hold things so strongly that we never realize, thinking we knew ourselves more, taking it like we knew a little bit more about this world as time passes, we place so much importance on our own ideas, effort and time we spend for things we do or people we be with. It is quite sad to realize that our eye sights were somehow broadened as we grew up with things we encountered, but our minds and hearts are getting narrow where we allow mist to fill in spaces available inside, mist that is heavy enough to blindfold us.

I am talking about myself.

Only if I could make up my mind earlier, If I can know how to prioritize things, only if I could care less about how people think, only if I could be less attach to how she will take this, whether she would forgive me or not, only if it happens.

Is this an end or it is just a beginning? I really don’t know.

Maybe, unconditional love could lead the way.

A way that makes us recognize ourselves better.
A melt in our hearts that give us courage to say 'It's okay' and we mean it.

One step at a time

Ohayou World!

Winter is finally here!! Fortunately, It is not as cold as expected. Even if it’s freezing, no worries! Put on more layers and get a cup of hot soy cappuccino! :D

I always start my blog post with timeline. So yeah, Hi June!

Let’s see how far we have gone and where are we now. I am still working at the same place, doing the same job and mingling with same group of people. This is a neutral statement, although I am suppose to get myself a new job already whoopsie.

Life is getting better. I am getting happier and find it easier to enjoy my life here. My love towards Sydney is finally growing positively. It is quite amazing where sometimes the answers come to me when I stop searching, sit back and relax, accept what comes to me. There was a period where I tried to force myself to get used to the life here, constantly inputting the message of ‘benefits of staying in Sydney’ into my head, struggled to get out of my current network etc. Then later there was a point where I just understand that I was just not ready. Look deeper, it is actually fine. There is no rush. But of course, it doesn’t mean my effort can stop here. It’s just a change in my state of mind towards all these matters. Good change indeed!

New month new agendas! There are few things to look forward in June. LS is coming back for her graduation which means yeshi catch up time!! Exam result is coming out on end of June (praying hard hahah)! Two coming up interesting Dhamma Talk topics whoots! Discover my new interests! Oh And I wanna make dessert on one of the Fridays too! I believe June will fly away quickly too! Hahaha

What’s your agenda? 

Hope you are happy

My 2014 Easter long weekend is going to end soon, in 2 hours.

Spent my day doing some study for exam on 28th. *unprepared* haha, then I went to 7B to have dinner with the girls. We had claypot chicken rice tonight. It didn't turn out to be as good as I expected, but I had a really great time, spending my night with the lovely people in 7B.

We talked a lot on any random matters, as if it has been a long while since the last time we met each other, where as we actually just met two days ago.

Nothing special, but I just wanna write something down about this, in case someday I may forget that I am actually a rich person who have great companion that make me feel so contented, this feeling, this moment.

Thank you 7B, for your sincerity, for the great time we spent together, for your warm-hearted companion, for the laughter, for being yourself, for just being here with me.

路途中

四月了，冷天气逼近。

刚开始还是有一些感触。
一时忘了，还以为这次是过了那年三月后，第一次自己重新面对过。
只要一想到这里，就会有一种不舒服的感觉。
一点的苦，加一点失落，失望，还有心某个角落的那个洞突然明显了起来。
一天天努力用快乐填补来掩饰的那个洞，调皮地出来闹一下。
没关系，我依然还有耐心。
我还是相信，伤口是可以愈合，疤痕是一种经历的印记，不是被提醒的伤痕。
再仔细想想，不对，原来去年的冬天我已经熬过去了。
上一次的冬，很勇敢地度过了，因为家人的陪伴，新的经历可以用来盖过痛的记忆。

也许，我只是害怕一个人过冬天。
就是这么简单。
但是偶尔找一下勇气，偶尔随自己任意丧气，不知不觉，其实时间一直都没有停下来过。
我的记忆卡里也多了很多新的记录。
至于要怎么收藏摆放，
能不能让心情不被牵着走，
我仍然相信其实我们都可以有选择。
有些时刻看起来是很可怕，无法想象该怎么熬过去，
但是令人意外的是，不需要转身逃跑，不必努力地推开，
打开双手拥抱，是一种脚踏实地的感受。
感觉它的存在，仔细品尝它的味道，一秒一秒地，突然就觉得可以和它和平相处。
渐渐地，内心会越来越强大。
练习多几遍，勇气就不需要太依赖着别人给了。

那天，朋友说她大学毕业妹妹总是快乐自在。
但是她不会处理不愉快，所以遇到逆境了还是会哭。
我说妹妹真幸福，至少还可以哭诉。如果一个人不会再哭诉，因为她知道哭是解决不到问题，也没有人可以帮你，所以不再会想哭，欲哭无泪，还蛮可悲。

后来我又仔细想了一下，不太赞同别人说人长大了遇到不愉快就不要哭，而是要学会自己解决问题，承担，负责人。
其实，也许哭只是解决问题的其中一个环节。
小时候哭过了，勇气就自然涌上来，然后还是面对了问题。
长大了，难道哭就是孩子气吗？
哈哈哈
哭，本来就是一种感情。
因为眼泪可以是甜甜的，苦苦的，酸酸的，百感交集的。

而我却好像
遗失了眼泪，一阵子了。