Sunset

It is a terrible feeling that I have experienced for more than once.

The feeling of being ignored, regardless of whether you are/ are not aware of the reason behind.

Recently, I have done something that can be considered as ethically wrong towards a friend.

I always try to keep my promise, because I think there is no point of making a promise when you can’t even commit yourself to that. But sometimes, there are situations where things you said are not compatible with things you do. I really dislike this. Sarcastically, I did it and I put myself in ugly situation. It is whether to make a choice that is good for myself by breaking my promise, or fulfill my promise but doing things with doubts playing in mind.

And then there is this moment of dilemma. It really depends of how strong is the sense of guilt that can make you to either fulfill your promise or being selfish.

This time, I made a selfish choice. Yes I did.

Breaking my promise, anticipating the troubles that I have caused to my friend from this, risking trust that my friend had on me, a stupid decision indeed. But there is no one to blame, except the reason that I don’t know what I want. I acted impulsively in the first place by asking for her help in this matter. It then developed into situation where I just so happened to be listening to others’ comments and feedbacks, got influenced, and then I told her, I changed my mind.

A complicated feeling indeed. The moment when I felt really sorry about my action and decision yet  I still do it; the moment of being ignored when I constantly checked my phone eagerly waiting for just a word from her, the world of disappointment and numbness that swirling around me when I was trying so hard to wait for it to happen but it just never did; the moment of silence between us that brought us apart this morning. This is the first time that I wish the road taken could be shorter. I saw it happened, but I could not speak a single word. I am not sure if this is only me, or this is exactly what happening between us.

I tried to get myself surrounded by people, be it some strangers, colleagues, distance friends etc just to get my thoughts out of this matter. This is an action of escaping. ‘Escape’ is a familiar word that I used to hate it so much because DN always tell me about how he used to escape things until the very critical moment where he was forced to face it. I remember vividly how I told him not to escape from things without knowing I am actually good with this too.  There is this urge where I just feel like taking a break from things that I know, people that I thought I know well to certain level, things that I am doing and place where I am now. Thoughts in mind have been pretty heavy lately. I am falling slowly, but I wish I could fall in deeper, into a place where there is no sound, no one there, nothing and dark but I could still see the sunlight. A place with no timeline where I can listen to this heartbeat, the sound in my head and my heart. Pause. I wish I could pause the time, but not I’m the only one who pause and think.

Adults are forgetful as they grow older. But our heart are getting smaller than we used to be when we were kids. We used to forgive quickly, take things easily and giving happiness a larger slice of pie with every breath we took.  To a point where we started to hold things so strongly that we never realize, thinking we knew ourselves more, taking it like we knew a little bit more about this world as time passes, we place so much importance on our own ideas, effort and time we spend for things we do or people we be with. It is quite sad to realize that our eye sights were somehow broadened as we grew up with things we encountered, but our minds and hearts are getting narrow where we allow mist to fill in spaces available inside, mist that is heavy enough to blindfold us.

I am talking about myself.

Only if I could make up my mind earlier, If I can know how to prioritize things, only if I could care less about how people think, only if I could be less attach to how she will take this, whether she would forgive me or not, only if it happens.

Is this an end or it is just a beginning? I really don’t know.

Maybe, unconditional love could lead the way.

A way that makes us recognize ourselves better.
A melt in our hearts that give us courage to say 'It's okay' and we mean it.