I have been living a life that is strongly associated with keywords like 'weight-loss', 'need to be thinner', 'skip meal', 'exercise', 'slimming' for 10 years. Throughout this period, there was time where I managed to drop my weight to 40kg where I felt vulnerably weak and fainted when I did my workout. Of course, there was time where I gained back the weight and doubled it up. When I look back, the feeling is terrible, if not, miserable.
I have tried different ways to achieve my objective of getting slim. Food intake restriction, being extra cautious with food calories, different sets of workouts, meal replacement plans where the milkshakes tasted okay but imagine having it for two meals out of three every single day, the smell oh gosh. Merely thinking of it could make me feel like throwing up. Plus it is liquid form some more, nothing to chew in two meals of the day :( Working out was okay in the beginning as I picked dancing which is my favourite, and walked up and down the stairs. It wasn't that awful not until I started to over-exercise and cut down my food intake too much. It changed my perception towards exercise, where exercise no longer = sweating nor fun, but it's a chore. A chore that I need to do every single day or I would just need to drown myself in the world of guilt, as if I have committed crime T___T
With extreme exercise + little food intake, this stupid plan eventually affecting my body adversely. I couldn't remember if I had a healthy stomach before, but I knew this plan has got me into gastric and poor digestive system. Since then, I got gastric easily. Everyone around me started to take me as 'the diet girl' or 'the girl who eat like a bird', which was not what I intended to lead myself into. This has indirectly pressured me a lot, where I started to feel guilty when I thought I eat a lot during meals with friends or people. Those who care about me constantly ask me to eat more, don't starve myself.
I couldn't get a balance in that. Then, I decided to just stop exercising because it was really stressful where every single time if I missed my workout, I felt so guilty as if I had killed someone o.O
Once I stopped working out, I had a mixed of feelings. It was a mixture of guilty + feeling lazy + feeling free + fat is coming back. No exercise? I thought okay, no problem, just go for Plan B -> skip my meals. =.=
Slowly, all these have become my lifestyle that I didn't even realize. Imagine waking up every morning first thing come to your mind is 'how to skip meal today?" "which meal should I skip?" "Can I make sure I skip my dinner if I take a sumptuous breakfast today?'' 'Do I need to exercise today?' "which diet plan should i go for today?' 'Can I skip exercise and skip meal?'
All these thoughts just drive me crazy. An unhealthy relationship is taking place between me and food, between me myself and eating.
Then, I started to live by myself when I entered college. Living by myself = too much freedom on meals.. I never thought I couldn't cope with staying alone away from home since I have already get used to this during my high school period. I never recognize the fact that I couldn't handle my emotions, my feelings and thoughts. When negative feelings or problems came to me, I ate. I ate not because of I felt hungry, but I felt eating could help in relieving my emotions, where it was a moment that I could be away from my emotions, my problems. I escaped, but I didn't realize at all. Not at all, until this year hahaha because the same problem never stop occurring since college year until uni, until I finish uni. Emm Hmm~
Emotional eating has became part of my life. Whenever I feel homesick, I eat. Lonely? I eat. Stress? Eat. At least it helps in temporary relieving my unpleasant feelings. But what even worse is the guilty feeling after I eat. I am stuck with this issue of emotional eating, binge eating. I know. I know what is happening but it is out of control. That's what separate a person who has emotional eating problem from a normal person.
So basically I just live a life with a ridiculous cycle:
Adopt a diet plan --> feel like giving up because it is not sustainable --> doubt --> quit dieting --> stress and depress --> binge eating --> feeling guilty and worthless --> get back to diet plan again --> cycle repeat by itself, never ending.
Oh my god! What kind of life that I am having? What choices have I made? Why do I do this to myself?
Today, I decide that I don't wanna live that kind of life, anymore. I am so sick of this seriously.
Can I just free myself from what I perceive as social expectations and social perceptions?
Can I just relax and stay calm?
Can I just have a normal life like what others are having?
Can I rebuild my relationship with food? a healthy one please?
Actually I am not too sure HAHA. well, I guess the first thing is to accept. Sounds easy? Not at all.
To me, acceptance is acknowledging the state of where I am in at this moment, without positive or negative judgment. It is to sit in with the situation arises that brings me different sorts of emotions.
Note to self:
1) To accept myself for who I am.
2) Be kind and patient to myself.
3) Be mindful. Label the emotions and feelings. Acknowledge its existence and watch it.
4) It is not the end of world if I am fat. HAHAHA
Hmm. I personally think that having a thin body with sick mind is worse than having a fat body with healthy mind and happy heart. It doesn't mean that I can be as fat as I can. hahaha BUT hey, life is supposed to be short, precious and fun.
I wish you to be happy and enjoy doing things that you are doing :D
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